I'm aware of it. Since reading Eckhart Tolle's book, I would say I became conscious. But what has surprised me is that it hasn't stopped me from continuing to behave out of my ego and my pain body. What is the point of being conscious if I am just going to repeat the same old patterns of behavior? Is it truly better that I am aware of it?
I recently had a situation where one of my favorite employees experienced a personal loss and family tragedy. This particular employee was going to leave in late May anyway, but she was so distraught that she decided to quit her job immediately without giving any notice, and without talking to me personally about her situation.
I noticed that I carried feelings of irritation and anger and disappointment about how it was handled. I said things out loud to myself like, "You just don't do that to an employer who has treated you so well. You just don't!" I wanted her to have said to me, "Mare, I'll give you 2 weeks notice," or "Mare, I really am in no emotional shape to work. Please, help me...let me leave the company early."
In the middle of ranting and raving about it to my best friend, I realized something important: that even were this employee to have given me two weeks' notice, I would not have accepted it anyway. Did I really want someone who was that emotionally fatigued and fragile to be working at my spa? No way. The other staff would notice and clients would notice and everyone would be affected adversely. So what was I so mad about?
Well, at its core, I just wanted her to observe the NICETY of giving me the two weeks...in other words, I wanted her to quit on my terms, not on hers. And that is solely EGO. Hello, my old friend. You never do seem to go away, do you?
In any case, I want to say to this employee (and you know who you are): I wish you all the joy and abundance and happiness that life has to offer. Thank you for your wonderful work at Pavia. The time you gave us was cherished and held precious. Your warmth, your beautiful smile, your giving nature, all of those things were treasured by me and the other staff. I know that you will be successful at everything you do. May you heal and rest, and then may you flourish. I release any ill will, and I hold only loving energy for you here in my heart. Love, Mare